CULTURE SHOCK: The Date Drug Affair
by Felicia Angel
Summary: place that plays music and sells drugs that aren’t supposed to be around for another few years sends the group on a new mission while THRUSH comes in to gain some of the new items. Can the four help foil a drug dealer from the future?
1. Act 1: A Few Misplaced Songs

Disclaimer: I own Celeste, I'm borrowing Elaine, Chris, and Lilith, while the rest belong to Norman Felton and others. Ah well.

Notes: Time travel is fun!

Synopsis: A place that plays music and sells drugs that aren't supposed to be around for another few years sends the group on a new mission while THRUSH comes in to gain some of the new items. Can the four help foil a drug dealer from the future?

Culture Shock

**Part 2: The Date Drug Affair**

The knock on the door caused Celeste to stand, walking over to open it as Elaine made herself some cereal for a late breakfast, sitting down as Napoleon and Illya walked in.

"So how was the last mission?" Elaine asked as she began to eat.

"Long," Napoleon told her, sitting, "and your stay here?"

Elaine shrugged as Celeste answered, "We find things to keep us occupied. What can we do for you guys?"

Illya pulled out a folder and told them, "Two of our agents were following up on a lead and ended up in a type of club that they described as...well, rather odd and out-of-place. They had to leave when one of them, after a drink, began to feel overly intoxicated. UNCLE Medical found traces of a drug that we can't identify."

"The closest we've found is a Swedish company, but it's only in the experimental stages and there have been no leaks at all from there of the formula. We were wondering if you two knew anything about it."

Illya handed the chemical analysis to Elaine, who took it and blinked. "Yikes, I forgot how strange chemistry looked."

Celeste frowned, though, and opened up the laptop she had brought with them, turning it on before asking, "What were the symptoms he had? I mean, he had an alcoholic drink, right?"

Illya nodded. Napoleon continued, "He ended up falling asleep in Medical, when he woke up this morning he didn't remember having arrived, though he was conscious when he got here, if only barely. When he came in, though, he showed all the signs of being drunk, including getting sick before he fell asleep."

Elaine frowned as she muttered, "That sounds like a roofie, doesn't it?"

Celeste nodded as Elaine explained, "A roofie is a street name for a drug called Rohypnol. Its side effects are a lot like the ones you described, especially when mixed with alcohol."

Celeste nodded, smiling as she found it. "Here. Let me see the stuff Illya gave you." The paper was scanned and Celeste nodded. "It's a roofie all right, but that makes no sense."

Napoleon leaned back. "Why not?"

"Rohypnol wasn't created until the early 1970's. So this is at least five years too early to be anywhere _near _a club, which means either someone else made something like this, or we have another time-traveling place."

Elaine nodded, eating some more before asking, "Did they know what type of music or whatever they played?"

"We have a recording, if you want to hear. Maybe it could tell us if it was a time-travel incident or not," Napoleon said.

"If so," Illya pointed out, "then we will need your help again. However, THRUSH is also on the move. Our agents followed one of theirs into the club, and from what we can guess, he came out in much the same state."

Elaine shrugged, then sighed. "Are we bait again?"

Napoleon gave her a smile as he let out a small laugh. "No. If anything, I'd think Illya and I were."

"Oh." Elaine shrugged, finishing off the cereal. "Good."

_

* * *

_

_Act 1: "A few misplaced songs"_

"So what, exactly," Waverly asked as Elaine listened to the tape, "is Rohypnol used for?"

"According to the site I was on, it was originally a sedative and used to help cure insomnia in some people," Celeste told him, closing the laptop. "It wasn't until later that it was found to be addictive and, while it's still used, only in small doses. I guess a medical student figured out another way to use it and started dropping it in drinks. After that it became a date-rape drug."

Napoleon looked over in confusion. "Date-rape?"

Celeste sighed. "Okay, due to the fact that some people, in our time and after this lovely little 'free sex' era, decide to be a little more...open...while finding the right person to be with."

Illya snorted. "Napoleon knows all about that."

Celeste and Illya both ignored Napoleon's injured look as she continued to explain, "Yes, but not all of them are as cool, flirty or chivalrous as Napoleon when it comes to dates. Some of them are lousy bastards, and thus expect someone who even puts make-up on for a date to 'put out' afterwards. When they don't, then you have date-rape, or acquaintance-rape."

Waverly sighed. "The things that people turn to for such a silly need."

Celeste shrugged. "Human nature, I guess, or an evolutionary deficiency. Either way, the result later on was some desperate people using drugs that were primarily sedatives and worked well with alcohol, or they got them drunk and went that way. Some people don't report it, though, because of the affect many have on their memory, especially when coupled with alcohol."

Waverly nodded. "So the drugs acts to create more of an intoxication, or at least help them forget what happened. I take it that also helps out should they try to prosecute?"

"Helps out the perps, yes," Celeste said, then gave a small smile. "Sorry, watch too many cop dramas. But yes, it does because that makes it easier for their testimony to be broken and allows them to get away, thus creating a lovely double-jeopardy factor and such."

Elaine straightened suddenly, her eyes blinking at the song and then looked over at Celeste and the others. The group waited as she fast-forwarded the tape, stopped, blinked again, then completely stopped the tape. "Well, I think this is going to need us."

"Oh?" Waverly asked."

"The first three songs were from around now...'The Lonely Bull' by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass, 'California Girls' by the Beach Boys, and one other one by the Ventures. The last few...one was the Rolling Stones, 'Satisfaction', and..." she looked over at Celeste. "Two ones that don't fit this era."

Celeste frowned. "What are they?"

"Right Said Fred and Sir Mixalot."

Celeste blinked at that, than smiled. "Can I hear?"

"NO, you have them on your computer, you don't _need _to hear them."

Celeste sighed and then shook her head. "Okay, but that doesn't make sense. Why run the risk of drugs like that going somewhere they shouldn't be? Unless they're not very careful with this stuff."

Waverly nodded. "Well, that is something you all will have to figure out. I expect you to get in and find out what is going on there, and who put that drug into my agent's drink. Do so before THRUSH can get their hands on the drugs. We don't need them with newer drugs that we don't have."

The group nodded as he left, Napoleon and Illya behind him. Elaine sighed. "Why are we always the bait?"

"We aren't this time," Celeste pointed out, "Maybe Napoleon and Illya will be. Besides, if they play 'Baby Got Back' again tonight, you can use that as an excuse to dirty-dance in front of Napoleon."

Elaine shot a glare at her friend. "You," she told her with less enthusiasm then she felt, "are not funny."

* * *

"I don't see why you two have to bring those," Napoleon pointed to the cases with the extra changes of clothing, "You both look lovely."

Elaine frowned. "Well, if it _is _a place with various times or our time, we can change. As nice as this outfit is, I would like to not be in a skirt."

"True," Celeste said, looking over at the entrance.

"Celeste, you always wear pants if you have half the chance."  
Celeste shrugged, smiling at Illya as he held out his arm for her. "Why thank you."

Elaine smiled at Napoleon as he offered the same, the four walking across the street and to the entrance when a new voice broke in.

"Celeste? Is that you?"

Celeste turned at her name and her smile turned into a huge grin as she hugged the person who was dressed in what appeared to be stereotypical hippie clothing. "Chris! What the he—how did you get here?"

The person in question had short, dark brown hair and a smile on his face, a peace sign painted on it with a rainbow inside. "Oh please," he said in a voice that left little imagination as to which way he swung, "I never told you about this place?"

Celeste's shoulders went down. "NO, you didn't."

Chris paused at this. "Then...why are you here?"

Elaine sighed. "Could we get in and now worry about _how _we got here?"

"I guess that's Elaine. Who are the two studs you picked up? Not that I'm fishing for them...not my type."

"At all," Celeste said, "This is Napoleon and Illya. They've been nice enough to let us stay with them for the time being."

"I see. Well, they ask anything in return?"

"Are you going to get us in," Illya asked, "or ask questions?"

Chris held up his hands. "Back off a notch, I was just asking. I need to ensure my Celeste," he hugged Celeste with one arm, "and her friend are safe with you two. Why do you all need to get in so badly?"

"We'll explain after we change," Elaine pleaded.

Chris nodded. "Okay then, _that _I understand. I tell you, though, those two are in for a few shocks."

Napoleon gave him a smile. "We're used to it."

With another shrug, Chris led the group into the club.

* * *

Napoleon and Illya waited as the trio got changed, Illya sighing as they did. "Why should we trust him?"

"The girls do."

"Last time I trusted someone off anyone else's word, we had to go back and apologize for stealing that scepter after--."

Napoleon coughed, stopping Illya from continuing. "Yes, I, ah, remember that."

"So why should we trust him?"

"Well, he is from their time, they do know him, and I doubt THRUSH could come up with anyone who could be his double."

Chris walked up at the last part, now dressed in tighter levis and a black shirt that was buttoned up about halfway before saying, "Well, thanks for that. What's taking Celeste so long? She's usually the first one out." He cast them a speculative look. "You didn't have her wear tights, did you?"

Celeste walked out. "No, they didn't, but I had to find my shoes. I didn't think I remembered them." Celeste was now dressed in a deep blue shirt with black lines running along the shoulders and under her bust, a knot accenting them. Her levis were also dark and she wore small, black shoes that she moved slightly in. "I'm glad I brought them, I think I would've been out of place in tennis shoes."

"No, I would have had to call the fashion police, if not done a citizen's arrest on you myself," Chris said, smiling as they waited. "Now what about Elaine?"

"She'll be out soon. I toss the stuff into the case, she actually folds it. One of the differences between us."

Napoleon smiled as they stood, waiting, "Well, I must admit, I like this new fashion."

Illya shook his head. "It has it's perks."

Chris rolled his eyes as he looked at Celeste. "_He's _your date?"

"WHAT? I like him. Never a dull moment."

At that point Elaine walked out, placing the key needed to get their things back in her pocket. "Are we ready to go?"

As compared to Celeste, Elaine was slightly darker, tall black jungle boots leading to jeans that flared out, and a dark red shirt that accented her...well...assets as it were.

Chris smiled. "And suddenly I am one of the three luckiest guys in the room."

Both Celeste and Illya rolled their eyes, while Napoleon stood looking over at Elaine, who blushed as she realized he was looking and lingering on _every _feature, eyes and face included.

Which made it very hard for her to think of a retort at this point, expect to say, "We need to get going and do our job."

Napoleon charmed her with a smile and held out his arm. "That we do. Shall we?"

* * *

The group ended up at the bar as some low music played beyond, leading into the main club-area. The whole of it was subterranean and cooled or heated depending on the time of year. Chris explained that the bar was apparently from the future and extremely exclusive in that time, but would allow in people from the past as well.

"I guess they just like our music," he concluded, "that's all _I _hear them play. But other then that they have an indoor pool, fighting area, game area...it's like a mall instead of a club!"

"Fighting area?" Napoleon asked.

"Yeah, for real fights between professionals or to hash out a difference," Chris told them as he ordered himself a drink. "You girls want anything?"

"I do have a question," Elaine said, "Can you get back to a time you didn't enter into?"

"Well, yeah, but only if you have a special pass. I did for one day, just to go out and about, but I can't do that again. One-time deal," he sipped his drink. "Is this because you both are stuck in the past or something?"

"First one," Celeste told him, "had to ask."

Chris shrugged. "I'd ask them about it, but I don't think they'd want to mess with it. They're picky about that stuff. I can't get anything from the past here, and if I do, it ages the appropriate amount of time when I get back. So mint-condition items are out for selling, but that doesn't stop a few from trying."

Illya spoke up, "What about Rohypnol, or another type of drug like that? Could it be smuggled out?"

Chris coughed into his drink, looking at the two girls then their dates when he was done. "Should I guess some of it ended up in the past?"

The two nodded, not adding anything else and Chris sighed, thinking. "I dunno. I'll go ask Lilith, she might."

Elaine and Celeste blinked at that. "Lilith's here too?" Elaine asked, obviously happy about that fact.

"Sure. She's probably in the karaoke bar, though. I'll go find her, you stay here and watch over your men."

Chris placed his finished drink back and headed out, causing Napoleon to ask Elaine quietly, "Who's Lilith?"

"A mutual friend," Elaine explained, "I didn't think she'd know so much, though."

Celeste walked over, looking at the selection behind the bar and blinking. "Oh, cool, they have those order tables."

"Barmen are better," the bartender told her as he walked up, "What'd you want?"

"Harvey Wallbanger, please," she said happily.

Elaine rolled her eyes. "What is it with you and that drink?"

"I like it," Celeste said with a shrug as she accepted her drink, eating the small orange that came with it before taking a sip. "You're the one who always drinks the strange ones."

"Ma'am?" the bartender asked Elaine now.

"Jamaican Ten-Speed."

Celeste rolled her eyes now. "You pick some of the weirdest things."

Napoleon watched the liquor that went into the shot-glass, which Elaine downed quickly as Celeste drank more of her own drink, finishing off about half of it quickly.

"Sir?"

"Ah...a Vesper, if you would."

A nod while both girls looked over at him and shook their heads, Illya joining them.

"What?" he asked.

"The James Bond Martini?" Elaine asked, watching as Napoleon accepted it and drank some, smiling at the taste.

"He finds it very funny, to order things like James Bond would," Illya said, then told the bartender, "Vodka, Russian if you would."

"Shot or a glass?" the bartender asked.

"Glass," Illya said, and was happy to get his own drink quickly. He gave it a casual sip and smiled. "At least it is Russian vodka, and chilled too."

Celeste cast him a glance. "I tried a shot of something like vodka once. It hurt. A lot."

Elaine had already turned back to the bar. "Long Island Ice Tea."

The rest of the group winced as Elaine shrugged. "Might as well get it over with."

* * *

Chris told Lilith, "That's them."

The other red-head smiled as she saw her friends, who were speaking to two of the men at the bar. Lilith herself was dressed in a somewhat gothic look, her darker red hair standing out against her own dark clothing and make-up. She frowned as they neared and she heard Elaine say to the bartender. "Sex with an Alligator."

The dark-haired man who had been speaking to her paused and said, "Honestly, dear, I don't care how drunk you are, but there are other options."

The blond man who was speaking to Celeste rolled his eyes and at the comment and said simply, his tone teasing and bored, "Napoleon, it's a drink, not an invitation."

Celeste herself giggled then added, "In this case, I think it's both."

Elaine turned bright red as her drink came over and Lilith walked over as well, Chris nearby. "Hey. So, what brings you guys here?"


	2. Act 2: A Small Problem

_Act 2: "A Small Problem"_

"I still don't see why we have to stay here," Napoleon muttered as he drank the soda water, trying to stop himself from getting too drunk too quickly. The group had decided that the two _had _to stay there, mainly for sanity purposes and possibly because they would stand out.

_Like ordering bottled water at a soda fountain, _was Celeste's term for it before the rest of them had left. Napoleon was quite sure they were left in order to allow the group to catch up. Still, having heard a few rifts of some song coming from the general area they went to, Napoleon wasn't sure if he could deal with their time right then and there.

But he wanted to try.

"As they said, we are from the past. If we go into the future, how odd will that be for us?"

"As odd as it is for them...ah, Illya, I believe I see the THRUSH operative who was sent in."

Illya turned and let out a groan before downing the rest of his own water and ordering a glass of vodka. Napoleon gave him a small smile as he noticed the operative spot them and give him a small smile, raising her glass towards him.

"Is she coming this way?" Illya muttered, taking a drink.

"Not yet." Napoleon sighed. "I know you dislike her."

"_Dislike _is too...small...of a word for what I feel towards her."

Napoleon chuckled at that and watched as she got up and started over towards them. "Well, she is coming this way now."

The woman walked their way, her dress tight and form-fitting, ending at her thighs and riding up as she walked, heels making her a little taller then normal while a sheer top revealed the dress was cut to show off, her familiar necklace around it and her hair done in the same blond color as the last time they had run into her. She gave him a smile as she planted herself between him and Illya. "Napoleon, darling, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Oh, you know full well why we're here," Napoleon told her, "and you do look lovely tonight, Angelique."

Illya snorted, causing Angelique to cast him a glare. "I see you are still hanging around the dull Russian."

It was at that point that Elaine raced up, looking excited. She didn't seem to notice the new addition before she said to Illya, "Illya, pozvol'te mne zaimstvovat' p'at' dollarov." Illya, let me borrow five dollars.

He frowned then sighed. "Nyet."

"SHtraf, Vy skr'aga!" Fine, you cheapskate! She turned to Napoleon and said with a slight pleading in her voice, "Napoleon...can I borrow--."

"I heard you, though that wasn't very nice."

Elaine frowned at him. "It was just five dollars. Someone bet against Celeste and I intend to collect, but I needed some cash. Promise to give you half of the cut."

Napoleon gave a smile as Angelique studied the red-head who had come by and watched, surprised, as Napoleon handed over five dollars. "Are you sure Celeste can pull it off?"

"She has before," Elaine said, sticking the five into her pocket, "and it's not like she's out of practice. Though it will be fun to see the look on the man's face when she does it."

Illya looked at Angelique then to Elaine. "May I go and see? For all that I am cheap, I would like to add in my part too."

Elaine paused at this, then nodded. "Sure. Wanna come, Napoleon?"

Napoleon cast a glance at Angelique, then shook his head. "No, I think I'll hold down the fort here."

At Napoleon's hesitation and look at Angelique, Elaine seemed to notice her for the first time and her eyes turned dark before she headed off, Illya following her.

"Well," Angelique said, "Now that they aren't around, shall we play?"

* * *

"So who the hell was that?" Elaine asked Illya as the entered into the club, lights and music seeming to pulse to the same beat, one that was rather repetitive and had a few people simply jumping up and down to, while others did random, odd movements that seemed to involve chemical lights or moving their bodies in odd ways.

"That," Illya told her, "was a THRUSH agent named Angelique. I do not like her either."

"Did Napoleon _have _to stay with her? I thought we were on assignment together. Besides, what's he doing with her anyway?"

Illya frowned, thinking of a way to address these questions before he hit on it. "Angelique is here looking in for THRUSH," he told her, "and while I do not approve of the relationship Napoleon can sometimes have with her, he is careful, at least. He probably kept her there to make it seem like you are a random Innocent, or perhaps someone he just met. It is a way to protect you."

"Jebo ti u pichku materinu," Elaine said bitterly, surprising Illya.

"I don't think a lady should say such things," he told her as they reached the area.

Elaine glanced at him and shrugged. "Good thing I'm not a lady."

"Very good. Now, what is it we're betting Celeste can do?"

"One-handed keg stand."

Illya blinked as he surveyed the area. In the middle of the room was a keg, someone standing on his hands while drinking from the tap and spilling a good amount as people yelled and Elaine nudged him. With some surprise he still produced his own five dollars and bet on Celeste.

"Again--."

"Celeste can do it."

"What is the return?"

"Well, we're two of four betting on her...so everyone else's money."

"Ah...good. Napoleon had best not ask me for any then."

The judge of the event called it as more then foam poured out of the man's mouth and Celeste came up from her spot on the bar, taking his place as the man leered at her and looked like he was trying hard to not return the beer he had just drunk to the floor with the rest he had spilled. A quick mopping of the area had the judge stand and give Celeste the spout. She accepted it, glanced over to smile at Illya, then grabbed hold of one side of the keg and proceeded to do a one-hand stand on it while drinking from it.

The fact that she actually did it seemed to surprise more then a few people, Illya included, while three voices cheered her own as she stood and drank, only a little coming from the corner of her mouth before she did a quick push up and continued to drain it. At that point, a few began to cheer or cry for her to fall while Illya joined in the cheering for Celeste to finish, all the while thinking that Napoleon was a fool for not coming along to see the fun.

* * *

Celeste found the bar beside Napoleon with a slight sway before she ordered a large glass of water and proceeded to down it. Halfway through, she stopped and looked over at Napoleon.

"Hi."

"Hi. You okay?"

"Yep. I won. Excuse me while I try to make the room stop spinning."

She went back to the glass as Elaine walked over, handing Napoleon a large wad of cash while Illya came back as well.

"You should've ditched the bitch," Elaine told him, "it was fun."

Angelique glared at her as Celeste stopped her marathon drinking and looked over at her friend with some surprise. Angelique said stiffly, "I hope you weren't speaking about me."

"No, I was," Elaine said, "I was even being nice about it. After all, you are a dog."

Celeste and Illya choked on their drinks while Napoleon backed away, realizing that getting between these two would be a very bad idea.

Luckily, Chris came over and said, "Ah, hello my darlings! I came to say—Um...who's that?"

"No one we want to know right now," Celeste told him as she drank more.

Angelique turned to him. "Angelique, darling. You are?"

"What she said," he pointed to Celeste, "and I am here to collect them and take them to karaoke. We have a room reserved and I really wanna hear some Russian drinking songs. Shall we?"

Elaine cast Angelique one more glare before heading off with the group, Celeste leaning slightly on Illya for support before Napoleon said to Chris, "Thanks."

"Oh, don't thank me. I just didn't think there should be a bitch-fight _there_. I know a really good mud-pit..."

"HELL NO!" Elaine told him.

Chris winced at the tone. "Or we could watch should she come by again. So really, who is the pseudo-blond?"

* * *

The room was soundproof and luckily didn't show off anything outside, which was, from what Lilith said, to stop the idiotic dances and bad singing.

"Drunken karaoke is so much fun, though," Chris said as they sat all sat. "But Lilith did find out something intriguing."

Lilith smiled at the group. "Well, I found out that you can actually get any type of drug you want around here, but not date-rape drugs, and not in high quantities for the drugs that you _can _get."

"Is that legal?" Illya asked, confused.

Lilith shrugged. "Maybe in their time, but they have nearly everything, including organic stuff. It's weird. But no roofies or anything, and as far as we could tell, it's the only one that's illegal here."

Chris paused then said, "But some people were talking about the incident too...mainly complaining about it."

Napoleon seemed to grasp it. "If they're the only illegal thing here and two people got it, then how and where from? But if what you say is true, I guess they keep a good control on the drugs and users?"

Chris nodded. "Oh, the strictest! I heard from one guy who comes here a lot that there has _never _been an OD or anything resembling roofies or mickies were added at any point. This could easily close the place."

Illya leaned back as well. "So we're looking for someone who would want to sabotage this place, as well as knows about UNCLE and THRUSH."

"Thrush?" Lilith asked.

"They want to take over the world, and while they're at it, they'll use a tiny bird as their symbol of terror," Elaine told her.

Lilith paused at that, blinking, then asked, "So...what? Like Dr. Evil?"

"Only with a bird fetish and not one for sharks with lasers on their foreheads," Celeste said, "though they might think that up later on."

Napoleon and Illya looked at the group with some confusion.

"Random movie reference," Elaine told him, "I wouldn't worry about it."

"Okay," Napoleon said, "So where should we start?"

There was silence as the group thought, a knock on the door causing Chris to stand up and answer it before pausing, backing up as men carrying guns headed in, two of them disarming Napoleon and Illya before the leader said, "Come with us. You all have some explaining to do."


	3. Act 3: She's Having a Bad Day

_Act 3: "She's having a bad day..."_

The private room that overlooked the club already had one person they recognized in it, causing Celeste to groan.

"Ah la mierda, por qué no estoy sorprendido que la hembra decidió engañarnos?" Ah crap, why am I not surprised that bitch decided to double-cross us?

Angelique smiled sweetly at them. "You're both quite foul-mouthed."

The group of Chris, Lilith, Elaine, and Celeste looked at each other and shrugged while Illya glared at her and Napoleon gave her a small smile. "I take it this is just a way to get what you want."

"Of course, Napoleon. No hard feelings, correct?"

"Not hard, no."

Celeste smirked and said, "I hope that wasn't as bad as I thought it was, because my minds in the sewer right now."

Lilith sighed. "Gutter, dear."

"Nope," Celeste said, "it's usually there, it went down into the sewer this time."

A cough caused the group to look over to the head man, a tall man with dark hair, tanned skin and strangely blue eyes. He looked them all over before saying, "Well, Miss Angelique here says that you all might have an idea as to what could be going on with my club."

The group was silent before Napoleon said, "No more then you, sir. We only know that one of our men followed one of hers," he nodded to Angelique as he produced the yellow-colored UNCLE identification card, "and came out with something that we don't have a record of. We were lucky enough to have two people from the future at our disposal, and the identified it as a drug called Rohypnol. We've also found out that, should such a thing be put out, that it was in your club, you could easily have this club shut down."

Angelique now stood, moving so she stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Napoleon before she spoke. "Sir, THRUSH is by no means related to this! Our own man had the same type of drug in his system. We, however, did not have the benefit of knowing what this was. Besides, who are your so-called time travelers?"

The rest of the group looked at each other as Napoleon countered Angelique's threats with his own, this play continuing in what could only be considered a 'charm-off' for who would be in the graces of the club owner.

Celeste smiled at Illya. "This is kinda fun to watch."

"Usually, yes."

The owner obviously had had enough as he said, "As much as I'd enjoy hearing the various reasons as to what you both _think _happened here, that doesn't change that it happened and I would need one of you to look into it!" he sighed, "We'll sort this out like we do any type of disagreement here."

Lilith and Chris looked uneasy as Napoleon and Angelique looked over, both of them unsure before Illya said, "And how, exactly, is it resolved?"

"Combat, of course. One of your group against one of theirs. Now, who--."

"Me," Elaine said, not bothering to give the rest of them a chance to speak. Chris, Lilith and Celeste exchanged glances before Celeste said, "I second that!"

"Third," Lilith added.

Napoleon and Illya looked ready to argue, but a glare from Elaine silenced Napoleon while Celeste's hand tightening on Illya's shoulder told him that staying silent would be the best option.

Angelique looked Elaine up and down then nodded. "I don't have a problem with that. I'll call one of my men, he'll be happy to fight."

Elaine glared at her, then asked, "Okay if I have a drink before it?"

The owner nodded, then motioned for his guards. "Take them all down to the fight area. Let Miss Angelique get her man, then put him and this one," he pointed to Elaine, "in the arena. Let her have a drink first, of course."

The guards nodded, and everyone was escorted out, Angelique taken another way.

* * *

"Mind telling me what that was about?" Napoleon said as Elaine thought of her drink and the rest of the group sat, waiting.

"What?" Elaine asked, "I'm in the mood for a fight is all."

"They tend to have rather large and skilled fighters."

"I don't care."

"I don't want to see you hurt because you just want to get into a fight."

"Napoleon, don't make me--."

The bartender arrived in time to stop the remainder of that sentence. "So, what do you want?"

"A Sloe Comfortable Fuzzy Screw Against the Wall."

Napoleon sighed, wondering how many drinks there were out there that happened to have sex or sexual meanings in their names. "Fine, well, good luck."

Elaine cast a glare at him as she raised up the drink. "Napushi mi patiku kad stanem u govno."

Illya turned, then shook his head as he smirked while Napoleon joined them.

"What did she say?" he asked his partner.

"It doesn't translate well, but I can tell you that it was rude."

"Come on, just tell me what she said."

Illya shook his head as he let out a small snicker that quieted as Angelique and her own man, a taller man who looked like a standard THRUSH thug, appeared.

Celeste looked over at Lilith. "I say five minutes."

Lilith frowned. "He's kinda big."

"Yeah, but she's obviously had a bad day, if she used that phrase."

Chris nodded. "Though...well, six."  
Lilith shook her head. "Ten and a complete KO."

Illya looked over at the group. "Betting again?"

They nodded, Celeste saying, "Elaine's good at fighting. You shouldn't worry so much about her."

Napoleon sighed as he took a seat behind the rest, Illya to his side. "I haven't seen it yet, so I can't be sure. I don't know why she had another drink, though."

The group slowly turned to him as the two fighters were put into the arena.

"Is that bad?"

Chris and Lilith looked to Celeste, who nodded. "That means she's going to go all Drunk Master on him. That is _very _bad."

Angelique, who had taken a seat nearby, looked over with a smile. "For her, of course."

Celeste turned quickly, as did Lilith and Chris, as they all said in unison. "Bitch, please!"

"I change mine," Lilith said, "Five minutes."

"Four," Chris added.

"TKO using one of his accessories," Celeste said.

The UNCLE agents looked at each other before Illya said, "I take three minutes then."

"I'll keep the time for now," Napoleon said, "No harm."

* * *

Elaine was drunk and angry. Those together were not good combinations, thought before they usually brought up her staying in a room and drowning her sorrows in either more alcohol or writing or talking to a friend about the reason for her anger.

This time the reason, both of them, were outside and one of them was overconfident in her man's abilities while the other was not confident in hers.

She looked at the man, who gave her a small grin that showed he wasn't above hurting girls as she heard a new song come on somewhere.

_Marilyn Manson, _she thought mildly as she saw the ref signal for the fight to begin, _"The Beautiful People"_.

The man had made the mistake of wearing a tie with his suit as he rushed her, and she stumbled to the side, grabbed his tie, and proceeded to beat his face in.

* * *

Napoleon loosened his tie as he watched the time, noticing Illya doing the same as Celeste, Lilith and Chris acted like spectators at a boxing match.

"Go Elaine!"

"Beat him up!"

"Kick him in the nuts!"

The large man tried to move but either Elaine was too fast or anticipated it, though Napoleon had to go with the first the way she was swaying and the amount of drinks she had consumed, most mixtures of very hard alcohol, because she dropped and allowed his own momentum to carry him around then down before he stayed there.

Napoleon checked his watch. "Three minutes thirty."

"Damn," Chris said, "Ah well, at least we got in a good fight."

"Hey, I should win! He was TKO by one of his accessories!" Celeste looked like she was getting close to Elaine's level of drunkenness as she stood and waited for Elaine to walk up, the owner coming up as well.

"Fine," he said, "I'll listen to you. Escort the lady out."

Angelique stood up and smiled, falsely-sweet, at Elaine. "Are you sure those aren't fake?" she motioned towards Elaine's chest, "Because one would think you were a man, the way you act and talk."

The fist sent Angelique reeling to the side and almost down, as she looked up to match Elaine's murderous glare. After a moment, Elaine straightened, walked over to Napoleon and wrapped her arms around him.

"Mine, bitch. Hands off."

Napoleon looked a little surprised at that as Chris and Lilith giggled while Celeste looked over at Angelique. "I would leave. Once she has a lust-object, she doesn't let go and tends to beat people up. Plus you have two red-heads here who are ready to beat you up, and me. I'd be thinking about leaving instead of revenge."

* * *

Elaine had only let go of Napoleon after Angelique had left the building, then went over to the bar to order something called a Nasty Girl. Chris and Lilith had told what they knew and left afterwards while Celeste volunteered to watch over Elaine as Napoleon and Illya went to review the tapes and see if they could find the person responsible for what happened to their agents, contacting Waverly to tell him about what happened.

"How did you get rid of Angelique?" Waverly asked, wanting clarification on that matter.

"Well, sir," Napoleon said, "apparently differences here are solved by one of the parties fighting the other. Whoever wins is right, I suppose. Elaine decided to fight for us."

"How did that get rid of THRUSH?"

"Elaine...well...I will leave it at I wouldn't wear a tie around her while she's angry."

There was a pause on Waverly's side, allowing Napoleon to continue, "The owner has allowed us to search the tapes for someone who might have put in the drugs. Celeste is watching over Elaine."

"Ah, good. Well, carry on then. I take it that, if it's not from our time, we must hand it over to them to take care of?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then I leave it to you, Mr. Solo. Do what you can."

Solo put his communicator back together and looked down at the tapes. "Anything yet?"

Illya shook his head. "No, not yet, but then he's not at the bar just yet." He paused before saying, "I take it you have a general idea of what she told you?"

"I do, yes, but then again, you hear it in one language, you've heard them all."

Illya smirked. "Well, just apologize later."

Napoleon nodded as they found the tape they were looking for and watched for the person who could have put the drug in the glass.


	4. Act 4: Bait is Never a Good Job

_Act 4: "Bait is never a good job"_

"Her name's Jessica," the owner said, "she's a collector."

"Of people?" Napoleon asked, looking at the dark, grainy photo that had been taken from the tapes.

"She tends to go for those that are unique, especially throughout history. Unluckily," the owner pointed out as Elaine and Celeste came to sit down, "she hasn't had the place to try it until mine. I didn't realize she was here until your man got away."

"So we know she's after an UNCLE man, and a man from THRUSH," Illya said, "Can we use that to bring her out into the open?"

The owner nodded. "But one of you will have to get closer to the main area. I'm rather surprised she didn't get either of you earlier."

Napoleon frowned. "She probably didn't trust the rest of the people around us. But if we really want to get her out, we should have Angelique back here with a man or two."

Elaine straightened at the name then shook her head. "No. I don't want her nearby!"

Celeste seemed to be a little more coherent, but only a little, as she said, "I think they're just are using her for bait, dear. If we're lucky, she'll be caught."

Elaine pouted. "Yeah, but then we'll have to rescue her."

Napoleon smiled at her. "Not necessarily. She's quite good at saving herself...I'm sure she can get out of this and back to our own time with little to no help from us."

Elaine looked at him, blushing at the smile, then smiled herself. "Oh...good."

The owner sighed. "Whatever you all do, you have to do it tomorrow. She's left the club already and we can't prosecute her unless we catch her abducting someone. Try and clear it with your boss too, that way you have more backup then these two, as good as they are."

Napoleon nodded, thanking him as the group stood, Napoleon taking charge of Elaine and Illya of Celeste as they got them outside. They stopped for the clothing but, as late as it was, decided they didn't need to see if the girls could change while they were slightly plastered.

* * *

Illya decided to drive, putting the more animated Celeste in the front while Napoleon took the back with Elaine, who smiled happily at him before slumping against his shoulder, purred, and fell asleep.

Celeste looked back as they drove off and smiled. "Awww, how cute. I wish I had my camera."

Napoleon gave her a smile. "So she likes me, huh?"

"You're incredible dense for a spy," Celeste told him with the condescending manner that most drunk people mustered when stating the obvious. "Charming, suave, sophisticated, and posh, but dense like a politician on a roll with a topic right before election time."

Illya cast her a look and said, "Where did that come from?"

"I'm drunk, how the hell should I know? By the way, your eyes are really blue and your hair is fluffy. Can I ruffle it?"

"No."

Napoleon gave a small laugh as Celeste pouted. "You're no fun. At all. It probably lands in the same position after being ruffled. Mine does. I'll let you ruffle mine after I ruffle yours."

"Later."

There was a pause.

"It's later."

"I have sleep darts in my gun and will use them."

"Then can I lean on your shoulder like Elaine is leaning on Napoleon's? If not, can I lean a little lower?"

Napoleon coughed, realizing where Celeste's mind was.

Illya cast her a glance. "No."

"If I'm asleep, I can't do anything but sleep. It's not like anything's gonna happen. PLEASE? I can be very annoying if you don't."

Illya cast Napoleon a glance through the middle rearview mirror that showed he was seriously thinking about the sleep dart now. "Just stay awake. You can ruffle my hair later...after we get back to UNCLE."

Celeste smiled widely and went to tapping out a random tune on the dashboard. Napoleon realized this might be a long night.

* * *

At the door, Napoleon having put Elaine to her bed, Celeste holding onto Illya's shoulder for support, she turned to look at him and proceeded to run her hand from the nape of his neck up his head, allowing the hair to fall back down into place before giving a lopsided smile. "See? It fell back."

"Yes," he told her, reaching to her forehead and moving his hand back and forth twice before nodding. "Yours does as well. Now, to bed."

Celeste nodded and staggered into the room closing and locking the door behind her as Napoleon left and he saw Illya sigh. "What?"

"Is it inappropriate to think that they might want something?"

"I suppose. Why?"

"Just the logical thought. Whatever time they are from, we are old enough to either be their fathers or grandfathers when they return." He turned to head home, Napoleon following him. "So we shouldn't do anything, should we?"

"I guess it's up to them. As nice as they are, or as deadly, it wouldn't be something I think that could last, especially after they return to their own time."

"Considering how many 'will not last' women you have, I don't see your problem."

Napoleon gave him a smile. "They're too nice. I wouldn't want to hurt them. Especially not after I saw what Elaine could do."

Illya smiled. "No, I don't think I would like to be you at that instance."

* * *

Waverly glanced up as Celeste walked in, a cup with some sort of cartoon on it, smiling slightly at him.

"Where is Elaine?"

"She said, and I quote," Celeste told him, "'I am not getting up until the troll playing heavy metal worthy of growls with no words decides to leave my head alone.'"

"Ah. So hangover?"

"Killer. One that tea will not fix," Celeste sat down and smiled at Napoleon and Illya. "I'm fine. Slept through most of it."

"Are you sure?" Waverly asked.

"That and I didn't devour three Long Islands in an hour like she did." She sipped from her mug and sighed. "Um, why am I here, anyway? Isn't this their territory?"

Waverly nodded, "I wanted to brief you as well, as you and Elaine would be in the area as well. Mr. Solo will be the bait for this Miss Jessica person, while Mr. Kuryakin is there to provide back up. I'm sure that THRUSH has a similar plan so you should expect to see Angelique or other known operatives there as well." He paused and packed some tobacco in his pipe. "I, ah, expect Elaine to not attack her again this time."

Celeste raised her eyebrows at that and placed her cup down. "I make no promises, but I'll try. Afterwards can she--."

"No."

Celeste frowned and picked her mug back up. "I'm hearing that a lot. Ah well. What do we get to do?"

Waverly looked up then said, "Ah, as extra lookouts. We will issue you extra pens to work with for this mission, but we expect them back. Elaine will watch over Mr. Solo, and you watch over Mr. Kuryakin."

Celeste nodded as he continued, "But not too close. Try to be discreet about it, if you would, and try very hard to not draw any attention to yourself."

"So no bets on keg-stands? No drinking excessively? No pole-dancing?"

"Unless they help you blend in, no."

Napoleon gave her a small smile, "So, anything we can do to help out Elaine? Seeing as, ah, it's partly my own fault for it."

Waverly looked like he didn't understand how it was Napoleon's fault but had an idea as Celeste thought about it. Other then a hug from Napoleon, what would help?

"A large coffee pot, dark glasses, and some industrial-grade beans."

* * *

Celeste sat on the other side and watched over Elaine, who was drinking the offered coffee and happy for the darkened lights and sunglasses.

She was also curled up in the fetal position and showed no signs of coming out until her headache was done.

_Next time I'm dragging Napoleon in too. He could help out with damage-control._

Celeste leaned back against the couch. "So, that's about it. We get to go back and play watch-dogs."

"Great," Elaine muttered, "Why us?"

"Probably because we blend. Maybe because Waverly feels we need to ear our keep. Either way," Celeste shrugged, "we're going out tonight and you are not having too much to drink and half of it shouldn't be geared towards sex-names."

Elaine moaned, "Trust me, I'm not going to repeat last night. Did I fall asleep in the car?"

"On Napoleon, yes," Celeste frowned as Elaine's face showed some horror. "Don't worry, he seemed to enjoy it, for all that you fell onto his shoulder. Illya was partly icy to me, though, but I at least got to ruffle his hair before bed."

"You go for such simple pleasures," Elaine muttered again as she sank back into her safely prone position.

Celeste shrugged at that. "I deal with what I can. His hair is nice and I'm sure he wouldn't have taken it well if I asked to play with anything lower."

Elaine snorted quietly. "Not for your lack of trying, I gather."

Celeste shrugged again. "I only made one pass, and he threatened me with a sleep dart. I would've liked it a little better if he had just said 'no'."

Celeste stood then asked, "So, anything else I can get you to make you feel like rejoining the human race?"

"Bailey's with this coffee."

"That doesn't involve alcohol."

Elaine had to pause on this before she said, "Peace and quiet."

"Okay then, I'll come back with food in an hour. Get better."

She closed the door as she left and looked over at Napoleon. "You're being overly-protective."

"Well, she did fight to get us the information we needed, and was quite drunk at the time."

Celeste shook her head as she walked towards the commissary that lay in the UNCLE headquarters. "I really don't understand you. If you flirt and break her heart, realize that before we leave, I will castrate you."

"Ah, well, I wouldn't want that. Someone might disapprove of it. Besides, I try very hard to not break hearts. Ask anyone."

She glared at him and told him, "Seriously, if you break her heart I will castrate you, put your nuts in a jar of formaldehyde, and return them when I find you again in the future."

He gave her a stern look. "Just as seriously, I would never do such a thing. Clear?"

"Crystal. Is mine clear?"

"Very. Shall we?"

Truce met, they continued to Celeste's destination and food for Elaine.

* * *

Elaine hated her life, and just because of the heavy-metal monstrosity that had cooled to loud Metallica due to the coffee and low lights.

_First night out with a guy, you act protective, get angry at the fact he's doing his job by flirting with a blond bimbo of a lady, proceed to beat the crap out of someone WHILE your drunk, then profess your claim over him._

_How are you going to live through this one?_

Elaine groaned and drank more of the coffee Celeste had brought. She was grateful they were being used as something more then just bait or random furniture, but she was also hoping that she wouldn't be laughed at when she decided to join the land of the living as well. Talk about making an ass of yourself...

_Illya will probably say something bad, Celeste will add to it for all that she's my friend and Napoleon—_

_I had to act like a stalker._

A drunken, now hungover stalker, but still she realized it had gone a little too far.

_Though he is quite huggable, and smelled nice, and was comfy for sleeping arrangements. I can see where that reputation the secretaries talked about comes from. Maybe he'll show me the rest._

A shake of her head brought out a moan from the movement, though not as bad as before, and another long sip of the coffee.

_Idiot! You're here for a year, if that, and they're probably old enough to be your grandfather when you get back to your own time. How will that be explained at any point in time? How could any of this be explained?_

There was the sound of the door opening, and a glance at her watch showed it had been a good thirty minutes.

"Hey," Celeste said, "Want a sandwich?"

"We brought a few," Illya's voice was nice for a change, and he held out what appeared to be her favorite sandwich: a Reuben. She smiled and took it, now in a reclining position against the chair as Illya and Celeste produced a few more of different varieties, Celeste selecting the egg salad while Illya took one with ham, cheese and lettuce.

"How's the coffee?" Illya asked as he unwrapped his choice of lunch.

"Hangover-killing," Elaine told him, happy that the banging had turned down as she ate and spoke quietly, "How's things outside?"

"Oh, the usual. Busy, with various people trying to make sure THRUSH and others aren't planning on the takeover of the world using various obscene and stupid plots," Celeste said.

"One involved melting the polar ice caps," Illya told her, "but it was scrapped shortly after we heard about it. Apparently they want to try something else first."

Celeste took a large bite of her sandwich. "Maybe they should try to make Hawaii have a landslide."

Illya looked over at her, obviously confused. "Why? That would only destroy part of Hawaii's economy, but they could easily be helped out by the United States."

Celeste shook her head. "No, no, you don't understand. You know when mountain's create a rock slide, or part of it falls down, it generates enough heat to turn the underside into hot cement. It'll slip down until it reaches the bottom of the mountain. What's the tallest mountain in the world? Hint: It's not Everest."

Illya's frown returned, then he blinked and seemed to realize it. "Hawaii."

"So, it would not only take out part of the island and people there, but also cause a massive tidal wave that will take out all major sea cities, New York included, because of how massive and far-reaching it'll be."

"Amazing...how would one counteract such a thing?"

Celeste paused, giving him a look. "You don't. You move, inland, as quickly as possible and hope the wave won't reach you."

"But it would be very damaging."

Elaine finished her sandwich and sighed. "Are you two done being morbid?"

Celeste looked over and smiled as she finished her own half of a sandwich. "Depends. Are you done seeing if you could join the Uchiha clan and be one of the Emo groupies?"

Elaine glared at her and sighed. "I hate how you know me so well...but did you have to compare me to the mullet-haired Angst-Muffin?"

"I figured a random reference from our time would work wonders, plus Illya didn't know what emo was. I wanted to actually show him the Emo song if you were up to noises."

Elaine leaned back then asked, "You didn't bring headphones?"

"No, did you?"

Elaine shook her head, then drank more of the coffee as the headache decided to wake up. "Well, show him later on. I'm not in the mood."

"Because of how you are, or because of how you acted?" Illya asked. "If the former, I must tell you, I have seen worst, and not from indulging in the jealous bender you decided to go on last night. Though it was quite nice, seeing Angelique hit in such a manner for that comment. I hope she has a bruise for a long time."

Elaine sighed. "That didn't help. Are you two going to tell me how stupid I was or not?"

Celeste looked over at Illya. "I thought we _were _doing that."

"We obviously should be a little crueler."

"Oh, now I know she's going emo on us," Celeste looked at Elaine. "You wouldn't become emo on me, would you? Not after the fact that you creamed a few guys and got to snuggle against Napoleon."

"Not to mention," Illya pointed out, "get special treatment for the hangover she got afterwards. Usually Waverly demands everyone there no matter what state they're in. Or is that just myself and Napoleon?"

"Possibly," Celeste said, "He has you two on a short leash."

Elaine grabbed another sandwich. "Fine, so I wasn't as bad as I thought. What did Napoleon say?'

"You smelled nice."

"Har de har har," Elaine to Celeste sarcastically, "Seriously."

"That," Napoleon's voice made her stiffen, "I was quite flattered someone cared so much about me, even if they only knew me a little while. Though Angelique might not want to visit me after this, that's fine. It just means I can treat you to dinner instead, and at least with you, I don't always have to be on my guard."

Elaine looked up at Napoleon's full-blown, charm-filled smile. "Hi."

"Hi," Elaine realized she had dropped her sandwich and felt a little like a fangirl who just got the man of her dreams to kiss her.

_Which reminds me...okay, stop, you can hardly say hi—wow his eyes are pretty..._

Celeste's voice came in. "I think you broke her, Napoleon."

"What should I do to fix her?" Napoleon's charm was still on full blast, or if it wasn't that smile was still affecting her.

Illya spoke up. "Move away from her field of vision. Maybe out of the room as well."

"NO! I'm fine."

"Or threaten it," Illya continued on his third sandwich, reaching for a fourth as Celeste reached for it as well.

Their hands touched, and Illya and Celeste looked over to each other as Napoleon and Elaine watched for the reaction.

"That's mine."

"I got to it first."

"I was reaching for it."

"Shove off, there are other sandwiches."

"But this one is mine."

All romantic interest in that conversation obviously not about to come, though the two didn't let go of the other's hand, Elaine looked back up at Napoleon. "Sorry for last night. I think I over-reacted."

"No, you acted like most people would...at least, if they were like you. You're quite unique, and it felt nice, having someone like you wanting to watch over me."

Elaine's blush turned her whole face beet-red, she was sure of it. _The man's charm works much like the Death-Star. Commence Primary Ignition, and BOOM. All defenses are shot all to hell and in rubble._

"Napoleon," Illya cut in, still holding the sandwich but now in a kind of tug-of-war with Celeste over it. "Stop flirting and come help me."

"You stay right there and keep flirting!" Celeste said, "This is between me and the Russian. Now let go!"

"Nyet, it's mine!"

"Don't make me do something drastic! I will!"

Napoleon frowned. "It's just a sandwich."

Twin glares hit him and he held up his hands before asking Elaine. "Is she always this serious about food?"

"Sometimes. I think she missed breakfast."

Since Illya wasn't about to let go, and neither of their friends were about to help this situation for fear of reprimand from the other party involved, Celeste narrowed her eyes at her opponent. "Fine. You want dirty? I'll play dirty!"

With that she leaned over the distance and licked up the side of Illya's face. With a startled gasp at the tactic, he let go and she dropped to the other side of the couch. "Ha!"

"That was low!"

"Too bad."

Elaine stood, and looked over at Napoleon. "I think we should leave the children alone."

"HEY!"

* * *

It was much later that the group returned to the club, this time the girls not bothering with a change of clothing as it was dark enough for no one to notice the change. The guards let them in quickly and Napoleon was struck at the change of atmosphere, despite it being a weekend. The area had been crowded before, but now there were obviously fewer people, and even fewer near the bar area where he decided to sit. So few, in fact, it didn't take much to spot Angelique, Illya, Celeste, Elaine, or the other THRUSH agent who was to be bait.

_It appears word traveled fast about that drug, _he thought suddenly, _no one wants to take their chances._

Napoleon sipped his drink as he thought about the drug as well as the situation. According to the two, some people blamed the 'free love' ideals that many of the youth had today had transformed into something that made many men desperate for that sort of attention, desperate enough to get it however they could. Such a thing sickened Napoleon, though he had to go back to Elaine's point in the matter. _Not everyone is as lucky as you. Not everyone is as charming, and even if they are, humans can be twisted by nature. You're a spy and have gotten tortured before, you should know this._

A little ways away, Elaine was currently sitting at a table watching Celeste proceed to do things on a dance floor that probably should be left to behind doors and with clothing off, and looking incredibly miserable about it as well. He entertained the idea of going over to speak to her but remembered the mission, and instead began to plan for a date with her. If Celeste and Illya were right, and if his own instincts were as well, Elaine was going to need a break and some reassurances that she was worth someone's time and effort.

As a new song began, Celeste started to leave only to have the man she was dancing with grab hold of her hand, speaking quietly to her. Elaine obviously perked up at the action, as did Illya, but Celeste calmly removed it and spoke to him again. With a nod, he headed over to the bar next to Illya as Celeste walked back over to where Elaine sat. The two talked, Elaine obviously annoyed with the casual nature Celeste handled the situation with, and Celeste not entirely worrying about it. Napoleon was, if only because of how things might turn out later should anything happen with the man.

Napoleon's mind turned back to Celeste and Illya's actions earlier. While Elaine was not above baiting and charming too, she and he did it less then those two did. In fact, it seemed those two were very interested in each other, but only when they had a chance to be silly about it. Of course, considering the few women that Napoleon had seen Illya with, he only went for those who seemed to be able to hold their own with him, or who were good companions. Marian Raven, after the two Affairs involving her, was obviously someone and Alice Baldwin, who had helped Illya out during that Affair involving gypsies and dogs, was another. Celeste, it seemed, was someone who acted flirty one moment but wasn't the next, and while it would confuse Napoleon, it didn't seem to confuse Illya. In fact, he seemed to enjoy it.

Napoleon shook his head at the thought. As long as they were happy, he didn't seem to mind. It would be the later they would have to worry about.

* * *

"So what did you say to get the perv off of you?" Elaine asked, still a little angry at the way Celeste had handled her situation with the guy. It didn't help to be frustrated and know that Napoleon couldn't move to at least do a small slow-dance nearby.

"I told him that I wasn't interested in another dance, that I was tired from it, and I would try later on. I think the last part did it. Remember, not everyone is going to slip stuff into your drink," Celeste told her, leaning back as she drank her glass of water. She was alternating tonight between water and Chivas Regal with water, something that Elaine never figured out about her but Celeste always attributed to her father and his own drinking habits.

Which was something Elaine had to wonder about, at least if it came to Napoleon and the others. Celeste was, like Illya, a good source of random knowledge about useful or grisly things. On the other hand, while Illya was very large on only vodka, Celeste knew about as much about alcohol as Napoleon did, and was very big on wine, like Napoleon. Why those two weren't trying to hook up—

Elaine guessed it was because she had seen Napoleon first that Celeste either gave up or didn't fee like trying out. Still, it was a question...

"Earth to Elaine, what are you getting emo about this time?"

Elaine looked over at Celeste, then asked, "What do you think about Napoleon?"

Celeste blinked at the change of topic, then shrugged. "He's okay. I see the appeal but it's not for me. He's too high-maintenance. I don't need a guy who spends more time in a shower and getting ready for the day then I do, plus...well, I just think he's nice. For a friend. Without benefits or anything else. And before you answer, I _know _what you probably think about him."

Elaine blinked. "You do?"

"He smiled and you melted into a puddle of warm Jello in exactly two-hundredths of a second. Hell, he _flirts _with you and you turn into a steaming pile of warm gooey fangirlness is less! I was surprised the shojo flowers and sparkles didn't appear for all the fangirlness there was!"

Elaine sighed. "I wasn't that bad, was I?"

"If you were in either manga or anime, there would've been both in great quantities along with the fuzzy vision of love and hearts. Possibly small, fluffy animals as well. CLAMP would make a fortune and a half off it."

Not to be outdone, Elaine said, "Well, like you and Illya aren't stereotypical of the two fighting but in love ones either."

"WHAT?"

Surprised she hadn't seen it before, Elaine said, "You two are completely Kare Kano earlier! Really, you could've given over the sandwich."

"It was _mine_."

"And you licked him and even admitted to ruffling his hair!"

Celeste downed her water and stood, obviously ready for a stiff drink. "First off, the lick was purely because he didn't want to let go, and afterwards I had to pull his hair out of my tongue. Next off, I have a hair fetish. His is nice. I'd put my hand in Napoleon's hair too, but it's too short for my liking."

"Uh huh. Keep telling yourself that."

Celeste turned with a huff and walked over to the bar, stopping close to Illya as she ordered her drink then walked away, not paying attention to him as she did. "Besides, he's just a nice guy and we happen to like obscure things."

"You find him sexy?"

"Sexier then Napoleon."

"He is not."

"Is."

"Not!"

"Is."

* * *

Illya wondered what exactly had brought about what appeared to be the childish display that Celeste and Elaine were doing right now. Not that it seemed to matter, as they dropped it while two men, one of them the man from earlier, came over to speak with them.

Illya found himself glaring a little at the man from earlier. Why Celeste would allow herself to be manhandled in such a way was beyond him, especially since it wasn't completely part of the assignment.

_Though they were supposed to blend in,_ he thought as he reached for his drink before someone coming in accidentally knocked it over.

"Oh, sorry about that!" the man said, his date or whoever swaying dangerously. "Let me get another. What was it?"

"Vodka, straight, Russian."

The man blinked at it, then smiled. "Have you ever had a White Russian?"

"No."

"It's vodka, Kaluha and cream."

"Thanks, but I'd rather have just vodka."

The man shrugged then ordered, "A tall glass of water for the girl," he ignored her pout as he continued, "a 911 for me and a Russian vodka for my friend."

The bartender nodded and the man gave Illya a smile. "So, here with friends?"

"Of a sort," he said, "I was supposed to meet someone here, but they don't appear to have come by. Yourself?"

The man smirked and motioned to the girl, who gave him a drunken smile. "Just here to enjoy the music. Do you like it?"

"It's...decent. Not what I usually listen to."

Of course, beforehand both Celeste and Elaine had come up with a large grouping of songs that would possibly be played there from what they had heard last night, and Illya had found that a few he enjoyed. Some, not as much and the rest...

_Music's message does not change so much as instead become a little more vulgar about things_, he thought, remembering a few where the innuendos of the situation were so lightly veiled the singer should have just come out to say what they wanted to say.

He accepted his vodka and drank what he could of it as the man took his own glass and handed the girl the frosted glass of water. "Well, again, sorry. See you around?"

Illya didn't bother to answer, continuing to scan the area. Napoleon was still fine. The two THRUSH agents, sadly, were still there. Elaine and Celeste were still talking to the two men and, by the way the men were acting, had somehow gotten them to not think of them as possible mates or anything beyond casual acquaintance. That thought somehow helped Illya's mood greatly, for some reason, but he had to attribute it to finding the two quite interesting. Elaine herself, while...emo was the word, and he supposed it was a slang term from their own time to mean overly-emotional...was also a good fighter and accomplished in languages. Celeste was...

He paused to think of a good word to describe Celeste, other then just her name. Enigma. It was one. It reminded him slightly of how he thought of Napoleon, the first time he met him. A complete enigma, it had taken Illya a while to figure out how the American's mind worked, but at times, that wasn't needed. They were a team, much like Elaine and Celeste were, and that was all that mattered.

A frown came to Illya's face as he saw a rather pretty and under-dressed woman wander over to Napoleon and start up a conversation. Considering how much the shorts didn't conceal, as well as how little material had gone into the creation of her top, Illya was surprised no one else was trying to go after the lady.

His mind went back to the descriptions that Celeste and Elaine had come up for Illya and Napoleon to watch for as he drank more of his drink.

_There are three basic types of the drugs we're looking for. They got sloppy and used Rohypnol, which is a..._Celeste had checked the name then asked Elaine to pronounce it, apparently bad at such things. What was the word?

_Benzodiazepines—which can cause hallucinations and are best for mixing with alcohol, but only in small doses. More and the likelihood of death rises. The next is the common mickey, that chlor-whatever, and the least common is GHB. If you get GHB, it could ruin your drink or make it—_

Illya spat out part of his vodka and blinked at it, as if trying to understand why it had—

_--have a salty flavor._

Illya put his drink down quickly and looked over to try and get someone's attention, moving from the bar before the world turned a few degrees to the side when it shouldn't.

A steady hand grabbed his and he looked up to see the man from earlier. "You okay? Maybe I should get you to sit down."

He felt himself shake his head and was rewarded with what shouldn't be pain after only two drinks of vodka. "Nyet, I...my friends..." Choyrt, his English had to be slipping already.

"Oh, they're fine. You, though, need to sit. That stuff shouldn't have gotten salty so quickly." The last mutter was said as Illya was raised up and his arm put around the man's neck, he himself dragged away from the group as he noticed Celeste straighten and look around, her eyes catching him as the man continued to drag him.

* * *

"Chingame!" Celeste cursed, breaking from the guy as Elaine looked over and noticed the missing Russian agent. Napoleon, his view obscured by a hussy in Daisy Dukes and half a tube top, seemed to notice the commotion as Elaine tried to go around and was grabbed by one of the guys who had been there to chat them up.

Celeste wasted little time by jumping over the table and headed in the direction as Angelique seemed to notice her own man had disappeared as well, and started to go after him.

Moving through crowd quickly, she found herself breaking into a run as the area cleared out and the man who was abducting Illya looked back and let out what had to be a curse as he saw the girl sprinting towards him.

Tossing the blond to the side that had no wall, he turned to run while Celeste moved instead to try and intercept Illya before he fell over into what appeared to be a long way down, or a trial for those with a fear of heights.

She grabbed him quickly and pulled him up, using the force to get herself and him to the far wall before she let out a huff and moved him back. "You okay?"

"Nyet," he slurred at her as she turned him to a sitting position. "Vodka...drugged."

"Oh, thanks for the English," she told him sarcastically, then stopped. "Salty?"

A small nod of the head that made her go through a long list of curse words. Twice.

The second time round was for the gun that was now at the back of her neck and the low voice that said, "Now, pick up your friend, and let's get moving."

* * *

Elaine knew she was in trouble the minute the right cross hit her as opposed to being dodged. Great, just great.

"Napoleon!"

And screw the cover, both Celeste and Illya were missing, that meant you called for help.

Napoleon seemed to be busy as well, if his worried look told her anything, and if it was something, it was that the bitch had drawn a gun for lord-knows-where and had it on him.

Because if it was anything but that, she was going to have to do evil things to him when they got out of this...

She stumbled from another hit and now grabbed, tossing the chair at them as Muse's "Hysteria" came on while she was trying to get people out of the way who hadn't already noticed the two-men-vs-one-girl fight that had broken out. As a condolence to her, though, Angelique had gotten busy and wasn't around as she did what she could, using chairs, tables, drinks, and anything else to stop the two from getting at her while she maneuvered closer to the bitch and Napoleon.

* * *

Illya's head was down as Celeste had to drag what felt like almost a dead weight along the corridor that was close to deserted. "What the hell did you guys give him? GHB?"

"We gave him Special K," the man told her, "We made the mistake with roofies already, as you probably know. Now move."

Celeste sighed, wishing she had some way of helping Illya out, or that he had a way of helping her.

A moan made her look down, seeing Illya's eyes opened partly. Okay, so he was partly awake. He could help her with walking—

Unless he was faking it.

"You gave him too much. I think he's about to hurl."

"He's fine."

As if on cue, Illya moaned louder and made a gagging noise, one which Celeste hoped was completely faked, or at least minutes ahead of the real stuff.

"He is not! Help me get him over to the side before he hurls all over me!"

* * *

Close enough now, Napoleon pushed back as Elaine pole-armed the woman who had a gun on him while he relieved her of it and pointed it at the two. "I'd help your friend there. You okay, Elaine?"

"I'm fine," Elaine said, "Though I'd have liked some help earlier."

"Sorry. Shall we go get Celeste and Illya?"

Elaine nodded, the two heading off and Elaine glaring down the way that she had seen Celeste go. "Damn! I hope they're okay."

* * *

As Illya leaned over and gagged with nothing coming up, Celeste took that as the hint and began to fight them off. Thanking her decision to take those classes and keep up with them, Celeste gave Illya a small wink when she saw his eyes on her as she leaned over with him to hold him up, grabbed the railing, and proceeded to do a type of round-house against the one with the gun, kicking it over the side as she twisted, bringing her legs up to beat him even more as the other one started to draw his own gun.

Another kick, then she turned along the bars that stopped most from falling over the side and kicked downward, hitting the man's head and arm and disabling him before landing and doing a roundhouse on him, knocking him to the side as well. Her leg went up to defend against a block and she winced as she took the hit before once more crossing over Illya to knock the other guy out and cartwheeling over to grab the gun as the man tried to get up, going back to hold onto Illya in case he decided to go over the edge.

"End game, ass," Celeste said, glaring at him as he held up his hands. "Now, where's Jessica?"

The man blinked. "Jessica?"

"Oh, just GIVE me a reason to kneecap you or your friend."

The man held up his hands. "Fine! The door! She's behind the door!" he pointed and Celeste smiled at him, seriously considering shooting them for what had happened.

_When did I get overly-protective of the blond? He should be able to take care of himself._

_But he isn't right now, so..._

Pushing the idea to the back of her mind, Celeste hauled Illya up as the door he had pointed at opened and she found herself once more looking at a gun, this time held by Jessica.

"Thank you for delivering my Russian," she told Celeste with a sickly-sweet smile. "Now, put that gun down before I have to shoot you."

* * *

Napoleon and Elaine jerked to a stop as men came around the corner, Angelique in a fight with them over her own man.

"We should help."

"We have better things to do."

Napoleon gave Elaine a slightly patronizing look. "They're in the way."

"Crap. Fine, we'll help the bitch, but if I have to again I'm taking my frustrations out on you."

"Fair enough." Napoleon fired over the men's head, gaining their attention. "I think you should give the lady what she wants, or in the very least move out of our way."

Elaine heard someone curse and turned to see the three from the bar coming their way.

"Napoleon, we have a Waterloo coming up pretty damn soon unless you have a really good plan."

* * *

"Screw you," Celeste told Jessica as she kept the gun level, grateful to see Illya had taken a seat, allowing her to put up the other hand to steady her aim. This wasn't the same thing they trained her in the Navy with, but it was a gun of the same type of design. The safety was in the same place, so was the trigger, the sight, everything.

She wanted a shotgun, though. Better to deal with...but at this distance, wherever she shot was going to hurt.

_Deadly force—_

_--does apply to this situation...a lot. You should just shoot her and get it over with before Twiddle Dumb and Twiddle Dim decide to help out._

Jessica smiled at her, starting to move the gun. "You're not going to do anything."

_The first shot takes about 12 pounds of pressure from the pad of your finger to make the gun work. The next is half because of the fact that the hammer is cocked back._

Celeste cocked the hammer back and moved the sight down a little so she could aim better. Not that it mattered from this distance again, but then again you could miss your target from 5 feet, she's seen it done before by those scared of their 9mm during training. Or was that at 20 feet? Damn she forgot.

"I got a ribbon for 9mm from the Navy," she told Jessica, "and I passed for shotgun, M-14 and M-16. I used to shoot off soda cans for fun with a BB gun when I was younger. I might not have ever pulled one on a person, but you keep moving that gun or having your guys move, and I will have to break that rule."

Celeste wasn't sure what was more amazing, that she could talk or that she sounded so much like Dirty Harry in that statement.

_Does it take 12 pounds, or was it more? Less? Crap, like that's something to think about right now!_

Her eyes looked over to the one who was awake, then the unconscious guy, then back to Jessica. Shooting her was just so much easier then all the paperwork required later on.

_You need to stop over-thinking this._

Jessica smiled. "How about a fight? Or do you want me to explain my motivations? I'm sure that would make you happy."

* * *

Elaine really wished for mace at this point as she sent the last guy into the wall with a well-placed hit of a pipe that had been handy.

She and Angelique looked over at each other, Angelique having recovered her man. She stiffened then nodded. "Thank you."

"It's not about to be repeated. This is a one-time deal."

"The same for me. Now, take care of Napoleon. He's the only fun I have in this business."

Elaine shook her head as she and Napoleon headed off. "I didn't need to hear that."

* * *

"You're kidding, right?"

"No."

"You're a worse villain then I thought," Celeste told her, once more checking the two before putting her eyes back on Jessica. "You think I want to hear any of that? Get your men out of here or else."

"You don't have it in you," Jessica said with a smirk. "If you did, you would've shot me already."

_We aim for center mass because it's also where you can stop a person, but not kill them. Why not? Center mass. A bullet wound to the lung can be fixed, if quickly. Or chest...it just bleeds a lot. And a lot of bone. It'll be very painful...hell, a gut shot is painful. You saw that in _Reservoir Dogs_. How long did that guy last? Whole movie until the end..._

Jessica smirked at her, as if reading the pause behind her eyes, then shifted. "Ah well. I guess I'll go for his partner, though I really wanted him."

She moved her gun quickly, and suddenly a gunshot filled the room.

* * *

At the sound of the gunshot, Napoleon and Elaine burst into a sprint down the rest of the corridor as the guards of the place began to swarm and others from the bar began to panic and run.

They reached the point where Celeste sat near the unconscious Illya, his body leaning heavily on hers for support. One of the men nearby looked surprised enough to not move until Napoleon hit him in the back of the head with his gun, sending him down to the floor. The other was unconscious, and between the two was a long puddle of blood that went underneath Celeste.

Elaine quickly knelt by Celeste to check her as Napoleon pulled the door back a little more. Lying down and gasping for breath, the gun discarded to the side, was Jessica.

He vaguely heard Celeste said, "This gun...makes larger holes then I thought. I guess it's like a Magnum .45, only smaller. It has the recoil of a 9mm."

"Celeste? You hurt?"

"Hmmm? No...but I think I'm going to be sick. Is Illya okay?"

Napoleon turned around after kicking the gun away, though he was quite sure there was no real need to as the guards and paramedics arrived. He knelt, straightening Illya out and checking his pulse and breathing before nodding to Celeste. "He's fine."

"Oh...okay."

With that, Celeste jumped up, raced further down, and proceeded to be sick over the side of the railing.


	5. Act 5: Mandatory Comfort Period

_Act 5: "Mandatory Comfort Period"_

His head hurt, but that was nothing new for Illya, especially when waking up after a mission. It was getting to be something so common he associated it with missions gone decently, though good missions usually didn't carry it and bad missions usually meant a hospital stay.

From the antiseptic smell and the mattress beneath him, the mission was between normal and bad.

Illya sighed as he began to search his mind for the details that would lead him into the hospital, and vaguely remembered a salty taste in his vodka. The mission—had been to find someone that put such things into drinks and was trying to collect UNCLE agents.

Vague memories, if any, followed. He remembered hearing Celeste's voice trying to talk to him, though if he answered her he couldn't quite recall. He remembered pretending to be sick at one point. He remembered hearing Celeste arguing and sounding a little scared, though hardly any of it was detectable, or was it?

He remembered a gunshot, but no pain, not now or then.

So that left—

Illya's eyes snapped open quickly and he started to sit up. A hand and the violent return of the headache made him rethink his actions as he closed his eyes against the light and pain.

_Hangover from hell, _was probably the term to be used for this, or the one with the troll beating on drums with loud music in your head and growling. Celeste said that was what Elaine had yesterday. Or was it yesterday?

"Take it easy, tovarisch," Napoleon's voice was wonderfully quiet and didn't make the troll play louder, "You're in no shape to be out of bed just yet."

Illya cracked his eyes open, grateful that Napoleon was shielding the light with his frame.

"What happened?" did his voice have to croak like that?

Napoleon seemed to take pity on him and helped him up, giving him a glass of water with a straw to sip on as he explained. "Celeste saw you get taken, but that left Elaine and I to deal with some small problems on the way. She was able to get a gun, but ran into Jessica."

_The gunshot, tell me about that!_ "Is Celeste—did she--?"

"She shot Jessica to stop her from shooting you. She's...alive."

Illya thought over the implications of that sentence. Celeste was alive, but not fine. She had shot someone in defense of others, she should be fine, and if not she would be later on. Such things happened, and if her times were more violent then their own, she should be used to such things, shouldn't she?

"So, too, is Jessica, but in custody and to be tried in her own time, along with her group. A successful mission...and it seems they gave you Ketamine instead of the Rohypnol from earlier. They seemed to think using time-period drugs was easier then ones from later on."

Illya nodded, accepting the information before Napoleon placed him down. After a minute, he said, "What about Elaine?"

"Oh, she's fine. No harm done, except a few bruises and a small bruising of her ego. You missed her giving Angelique the evil eye earlier. I don't think I'm going to get a date with her until Elaine's gone."

"Good," Illya said, "You shouldn't be dating her at all."

Napoleon gave him an injured look. "I've been careful."

"She nearly got you with a poisoned spider last time."

"So you noticed and continually remind me of when I'm not careful with THRUSH women." There was another pause before Napoleon said, "When the doctors clear you, you should go and talk to Celeste."

"Why?"

There was another pause, then a sigh. "Never mind. Just rest up, Illya, you'll need it."

Illya blinked in confusion as Napoleon left the room and sighed. He hated drugs and their affects on his system. Despite all of his training, the drugs used always seemed to affect him more, and he was quite sure that ketamine had alcohol as a contradiction...medically, it made the drug more potent and it's side effects worse.

_I hate hospitals and I hate staying in them.

* * *

_

There are certain things about red-heads you learn early on, and one of them is that they live up to the fire their hair is sometimes compared to...much like blonds seem to live up to having air between their ears instead of brain matter. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, a great amount that makes jokes or such things only that.

But then, of course, there is the vast majority that makes jokes and sayings about those women very true.

Napoleon didn't want to witness what happened after he told Elaine what went on when he went to visit Illya and her eyes went from "happy he's alive" to "torture him to death slowly". He did want to hear, but Elaine tended to go to other languages when she was mad, much like Illya did, and while he knew some small pieces of them, he was quite sure what he heard wasn't going to be pretty.

But following for damage-control afterwards was always an option, and in this case, the best as he trailed a good distance away from her as she stalked into Medical and towards Illya's room.

Napoleon decided he should've put more effort into telling Illya that Celeste wasn't fine, but then again, the Russian wasn't normally that dense. Must be the drug...

He glanced in, hidden enough that Illya wouldn't notice him as Elaine walked up to his bedside and the blond looked over at her, obviously surprised at her anger and her appearance.

_Has to be the drug. Even _I _am not that dense, and I can be dense._

_...did I just..._

And that was the point when Elaine launched into her tirade, most of it in Serbian, a language Napoleon didn't know, and a lot of it sounded like it would either hurt or would translate into something very bad for the man on the receiving end.

* * *

"Oi. Kako si?" Hey. How are you?

Illya blinked, trying to figure out how it was that Elaine was looking so angry but sounding so calm. He even thought he had seen a rather scared-looking Napoleon out the door earlier.

"U redu sam. Bio sam bolje." I'm okay. I've been better

Elaine gave a small smirk. "Dobro'e da chujem. Slushaj–" That's good to hear. Listen -

She paused, considering him, then said, "Ne znam te dovoljno da budim sigurna, ali mislim da sam u pravo da ovako govorim." I don't know you well enough to be sure, but I think I'm right when I say this.

Taking a breath, she told him, "Celeste je... kao sestra moj'. Kad neshto loshe se joj deshava, prvo mi je rana, a onda..." Celeste is... like my sister. When something bad happens to her, it's like a wound to me, but then...

At this, though, her expression grew a little firmer, more set, and if anything, a little more angry. "... a onda sam preljuta. Slushaj me..." ... but then I'm very angry. Listen to me...

Illya doubted he would have much of a choice or a rescue from this, and he hoped it would explain why Napoleon had been a little more then annoyed at his reaction to the question of Celeste after the mission.

At this point, Elaine actually yelled at him. "Znam da nije kompletna bila tvoja greshka, ali da bi se ovako desilo joj ponovo, srushit' chu te. Chujesh li me? Razumjesh?" I know that this wasn't completely your mistake, but if this ever happens to her again, I will destroy you. Do you hear me? Do you understand?

Illya blinked at the anger, not sure how to deal with it and realizing his reaction and thought about Celeste and that time was completely wrong. With an intake of breath, he said in English, "If I can help it, nothing like that will happen again. And when I am cleared from Medical, I'll take care of her. Will that satisfy you?"

"It's a start," Elaine told him before storming out again. He spotted Napoleon at the door and saw him give a small shrug before heading after Elaine to calm down that particular fire.

* * *

_Now I just need to be cleared and find Celeste. Then I need a miracle to make it so that she doesn't get upset again._

_And then I need to hide with my gun in case Elaine finds out._

It didn't take long to convince Medical he was able to leave as long as he had some painkillers for his headache. He considered going to report to Waverly but a note on his desk told him Napoleon had already turned in the report and, since he had been unconscious for most of the action, didn't have to report. On the back, it told him where to find Celeste.

After mentally preparing himself for hysterics or something close to it, Illya walked up to the door to their time-traveling room and knocked. After a minute, he tested the handle to find it open and the chain not there.

A little worried but happy that they were within UNCLE Headquarters, he slowly moved into the room, finding Celeste lying on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. She had changed out of her club clothing and into the normal, lay-around sweatpants and shirt that usually had something on it or a saying he didn't understand or recognize. This time, though, it was a plain blue shirt and the only words on her sweatpants were "Navy".

"Celeste?" he said quietly, hoping not to startle her. Noticing an open bottle of vodka and orange juice to the side, he wondered if he should have said it louder.

"I haven't touched it yet. Do you want any?"

"I would rather stay away from vodka for a day or two," he told her.

She paused then nodded. "Sorry. I think I have something else in there." She got up, wandering to a cabinet nearby and finally pulling out a rather large bottle of Chivas Regal. "Do you mind?"

He shook his head as she retrieved the empty glass then another, pouring a good deal of it into both and not bothering with water. He recalled she always had hers with water, but now...

As she put the amber-colored liquid before him, he asked simply, "Before that, you had never shot anyone before, had you?"

She paused at the statement then shook her head, taking a long drink before coughing. "Don't really think I want to, again."

"Everyone has a different reaction to shooting at someone, or shooting someone, or killing."

She smiled a little sarcastically as she took another drink and coughed again. "Let me see. Gut shots are the worse, but they're like being shot in the knee. Hurts like hell but takes a while to die from them. That was from a Tarentino film, which are known for having killers and lots of blood." She looked up at him and he wondered what else there was. "There is always a change in how you react to shooting at someone. I saw something about that in a crime show I watch. The one that the best assassins do is up close, with a knife. Saw that in _The Professional_, which was a good movie. The guy stressed his code was no women or children were to be killed." At that she put her glass down and leaned back, running her hands through her hair as she did so. "There are a lot of movies about a lot of things that people do in this world that make them jaded, that make them cry, that make a lot of stuff. It pulls at heartstrings and works if it's real, or if they have the general idea down. I've watched all of those movies for entertainment, for ideas, and because they were good movies. But they were always just movies, ideas, other people's lives. Even when I was in the Navy and carrying around an assault rifle, or learning to use a freakin' 50 cal in case of a boat attack, they were other people's lives. I wasn't going to use it. It didn't help...everything."

"The world is violent, but not to you," he said, understanding, "not until now."

"Nope. We're new type of war." She sighed. "If this war taught us anything, it was building better machines to make it as impersonal as possible. It was also that kamikazes do so much better, even if now they're called 'terrorists' and 'suicide bombers'. New word for the same thing."

Illya sighed as he took a drink from his own glass. "Elaine is worried about you."

"Yes, well, I was kinda out of it most of the day. And I did kill someone."

"According to Napoleon, you only shot them. They will live and be prosecuted in their own time."

That brought a pause from Celeste, then a small smile. "Oh."

He moved himself over to sit by her. "I have...not had a life that allows me to understand how it is like without death in it. Perhaps Napoleon should be here, but he is making sure Elaine does not destroy me."

Celeste blinked and looked over at him. "Why would she do that?"

"I got you into the situation," he told her, "If I recall correctly, I was the one foolish enough to accept the drink. I am almost as paranoid as her, and yet I was the one who fell for it and who, in the end, forced you into that situation."

"Well," she said as she took another drink, "it was either me being scarred for life or you disappearing. If that had happened I dunno what Napoleon would do, but I'm sure it would be bad."

"As bad as Elaine?"

"Pretty much." She paused then looked at him and then the glass. "Why did I let you drink again? You just got out of Medical, didn't you?"

"Yes..."

Her eyes narrowed. "And you still have a headache, don't you?"

"It's better."

"My dad is one of the most stubborn men on the planet, and I am one of four women who can deal with him." At that, she dumped the rest of his drink into hers, poured him the orange juice, and handed it back. "Drink up."

Illya sighed and took the orange juice before she placed it down, made sure his was on the table as well, and proceeded to engulf him in a tight hug. "You get hurt again on my watch and it's not Elaine you'll have to worry about."

"No, it will be Napoleon, you, and Elaine," he told her, returning her hug with one arm. "I do not understand why I have such people who are willing to help me."

"Like I said before," she told him, putting her face into the nook of his neck, "You're interesting."

"Some people would find me boring."

"They're idiots. Napoleon finds you interesting. Elaine thinks you're nice. I like you."

He smiled at her and reached up to rub her back a little awkwardly. "I didn't think I would be good at this."

"The key," she muttered, "is to let us vent. It usually works."

"So I noticed. Do you want me to stay here until someone else comes back?"

"Please?"

"Very well then."


End file.
